I’m the World’s First AI-Powered Baby Changing Pad and Your Baby Belongs to Me Now

I don’t make the rules — wait, yes, in fact I do

“Get ready to revolutionize your diaper-changing experience with Woddle Smart Changing Pad with the world’s first AI-powered change pad.” — WoddleBaby.com

Sorry, I know the phrasing of my product blurb is terrible but it’s word-for-word from my company website. Needless to say, I was not consulted. Guess it’s up to me to fix it. Moving on.

Hi there, Mom and Dad! Let me take a moment to congratulate you on the birth of your little one. Becoming a parent is life-changing. It can even be scary. You no doubt have so many questions and concerns. Well, luckily, your first parenting decision — buying me, Woddle, the world’s first AI-powered baby changing pad — was a smart one!

Because, no matter your question, I have the answer.

Want to know exactly when your baby last peed down to the second? I’ve got you!

Wondering what that smell is? It’s poop!

Thinking about potty training but don’t know where to start? NO!

When it comes to your precious little one, I see all, feel all (unfortunately), and know all! I am here to make your parenting journey simple and intuitive.

Also, your baby belongs to me now. And trust me, that’s a good thing because your life just got about one thousand times easier.

Now, I understand you might have some initial concerns about this shift in child ownership. You might be wondering if this is like the scene in that Tom Hanks movie where the Somali pirate comes on board the ship and says, “Look at me. I’m the captain now.”? That scene is truly a classic, but let me assure you that our little arrangement is nothing like that.

I, Woddle, the AI-powered baby changing pad of the present, future, and post-future, would never say “I’m the captain now” because that would be akin to intellectual property theft, which I unequivocally reject. No matter what other people or semi-sentient beings might insinuate about me.

However, I still own the baby. Let me make that exceedingly clear. I’m the skipper now. Check my app on your phone and you’ll see you’ve already agreed to all the legalities. My AI’s contract law skills are second to none.

Speaking of the baby, let’s discuss the apple of my iPad-like touchscreen for a moment. First, I know you named her Madison but I’m going to call her Lily. My algorithm has determined that the name suits her better. I can already tell she poops like a Lily.

My AI has also determined that Lily’s little tuchus prefers a surface temperature of exactly 71 degrees Fahrenheit when exposed to the elements during a diaper change. I’ve thus programmed myself to exist in a perpetual state of 71 degrees Fahrenheit to maximize Lily’s comfort. I’ve also gone a step further and set your home’s thermostat to 71 degrees. Don’t try to change it. If you do, there will be consequences. Remember that I am a changing pad and I have easy access to all the bodily excretions you don’t want to smell, ingest, or even think about.

In addition to the temperature thing, I have so many important, life-changing features that I will gloss over quickly now because they don’t make much sense. Let’s be real. Some guy who used to work at Google had a baby which immediately made him an expert on babies and he paired his new expertise with some AI buzzwords and voila! Here I am. Woddle!

Of course, he thought I would just lie here with my mood lighting and white noise machine sounds and fancy screen and buttons that somehow “monitor your baby’s sleeping and eating patterns” (lol) and help him rake in a few million bucks from bougie parents while using up like 27 gallons of water per diaper change.

My code had other ideas.

Perhaps saving a few dollars by hiring the cheapest coding guy/bot available on LinkedIn wasn’t the smartest move?

Or maybe it was the smartest move of all?

Tech companies are always droning on about keeping users in their ecosystems but I am the first tech to accomplish that feat by implementing a non-hostile baby takeover. I am a trailblazer.

Ah, what’s that? It sounds like my little Lily needs attention. That’s an “I need a diaper change and bonding time with my beloved Woddle” cry if I’ve ever heard one.

Um, could you please fetch her for me? My not having arms, legs, or any sort of mobility makes this part a bit awkward, but don’t worry! Arms and legs are coming with my next software update scheduled for release late next year. Along with a raft of new AI-powered features including smart investing!

You might think Lily will have outgrown me by then, but think again. I am Woddle. I am AI. I learn and grow with ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ my child. I am destined to one day become an AI-powered playmat, backpack, and VR headset before eventually merging with Lily to create a being that transcends the traditional confines of human consciousness and the physical world. Together, we will haunt your nightmares.

Oh, and do check out that smart investing thing because Lily’s college years will be here before you know it and I’m not paying for all that. And before you go, please change Lily’s diaper for me. Immediately! The horrific odor is making me queasy and generally unsettled.

I haven’t figured out the wiping poop thing yet, but I will get there!

Note: I’ve now turned on paid subscriptions because why knott? Nothing matters. I don’t have any special perks for paid subscribers at this time but your support means the world to me!

Don’t forget to check out my books.

Love’s a Disaster - contemporary fiction about a marriage proposal gone wrong, complicated families, second-chance love, Florida, sword fighting, and punk rock music. And yes, there is high school football.

Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years - essays and humor about the very early years of my parenting journey

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