The Great Playground Demolition

It was finally hammer time

Mar 08, 2024

This image shows a group of children in a backyard engaged in what appears to be a group activity. They are surrounded by leafy trees, with residential houses in the background. One child in a dark top and shorts stands on a blue stool or ladder, seemingly reaching up towards something not visible in the picture, while another in a black shirt is close by, looking towards the first child. Three other children are to the right, with two of them looking at a piece of wood one of them is holding. Leaves and wood debris cover the ground, and there are elements of a playground, like swings, visible. — The crew hard at work

The children demolished our playground this week. It graced our backyard for nearly a decade and now it’s gone. All that’s left is empty space and a pile of rotting wood planks.

The destruction was a collective effort. My two youngest kids participated while my middle schooler watched from the sidelines (in his VR headset). My kids didn’t act alone. They assembled one of the top demolition teams in the history of mankind.

The Pyramids of Giza may be 5,000 years old, but even they wouldn’t stand a chance against this crew. Once The Pyramids got a look at the group of 7- to 11-year-olds wielding an electric screwdriver that didn’t work, a metal bar they found somewhere, several hammers, and a saw (wait, what?), they would’ve pre-emptively crumbled to the ground to save themselves the humiliation of being methodically and systematically deconstructed*.

To alleviate some concerns you might have, yes, this was a sanctioned activity. The children had mostly outgrown the playground and the Florida humidity had eaten away at it so that it was no longer stable. We had been planning to take it down for quite a while but shockingly hadn’t gotten around to it.

So when the neighborhood mob turned violent one afternoon, it seemed like as good a time as any to rip the bandaid off and say goodbye to the playground our entire family (siblings, parents, in-laws, nieces, nephews, a couple of dogs) had gathered to assemble just months after we bought our home. My middle child was an infant when we built the playground so it was only fitting that when he was on the verge of turning ten years old, he helped hack it into oblivion.

The playground was no longer safe to use. Therefore, the only prudent course of action was to allow the children to design, manage, and execute a very safe and orderly destruction plan. I was a bit hesitant to turn this task over to them at first, but then I realized the children had one pair of plastic Nerf glasses to share amongst themselves and at least half of them were wearing some type of footwear.

I honestly didn’t think they would go through with it, but once it started, I was as helpless and resigned as Aaron Burr.

Okay so we're doing this gif from the musical Hamilton — gif from Yarn

The demolition team quickly established a hierarchal organization to optimize efficiency. The 8-year-old who lives behind us was tabbed as Boss #1 or the Top Boss. This decision was inexplicable—she doesn’t even live here and she’s squarely in the middle of the group agewise—but it seemed almost pre-ordained. Perhaps she just has more rizz than the rest of them or a sparkling LinkedIn presence that really stands out.

Boss #1 quickly got to work and appointed fellow second graders including my daughter as Bosses #2 and #3. They then proceeded to conduct individual interviews on the trampoline to make sure prospective crew members had the right stuff to move the project forward.

The entire project took three afternoons. Progress was halting because Boss #1 was mostly unavailable on the second day, arriving unannounced at 5:50 p.m. A skeleton nightshift crew was able to work 30 minutes or so until dusk.

On the third day, the entire team assembled in the early afternoon (thankfully, it was early-dismissal Wednesday** at school).

The 8-year-old boy who lives up the street arrived several hours late. He was sternly reprimanded and subjected to a one-on-one with Boss #1 on the trampoline. There was talk of expelling him from the crew, but he was ultimately allowed to remain because he could swing the hammer pretty hard. Pound-for-pound, he’s probably one of the top hammer swingers east of the Mississippi.

After much deliberation about support beams and discussions about who should be standing where and what pieces should be wailed on next, the remaining structure was pushed to the ground at around 4:30 in the afternoon when the sun was still high.

A partially dismantled wooden playground structure in a backyard, with children engaged in what appears to be demolition work. A child is seen swinging nearby, suggesting a juxtaposition of play and work in the open, sunlit space bordered by a wooden fence and trees. — It’s dead

Several crew members jumped up and down on the carcass. I had to look away. I couldn’t bear to see the old girl in such a state. Boss #1 got a popsicle out of the freezer in the garage and asked if we could make snow cones.

We made snow cones.

It all happened so fast that I didn’t have much time to reflect on the passing of time and how nothing is permanent. Anyway, now is my chance. Isn’t it wild how nothing lasts, children grow older, and even the most regal of mid-value wooden playgrounds ultimately become heaps of neglected wood sitting at the curb?

That’s something for you to consider. Mull it over. I would, but I don’t have time.

My son and one of the other crewmembers are already hard at work designing a new structure to build in the backyard. They’ve drawn up a blueprint and priced out materials online.

This image displays a child's drawing of a playground structure with handwritten notes on materials and dimensions for various parts. The sketch includes a fort-like section with what seems to be a slide and a separate swing set. Annotations suggest a color scheme (green and yellow) and specific materials such as "premium kiln dried treated whitewood" and "4x4x8 ft. lower pine treated lumber." There is a sense of planning and design in the notes, indicating careful consideration for the construction of this playground. — the blueprint

If their construction skills are half as good as their demolition skills, this new building will truly be a sight to behold.

I’m sure it will stand the test of time… at least as much as anything does.

* Indiscriminately hammered to bits.

** Yes, early-dismissal Wednesday is a thing… EVERY week.

The image shows a young child standing on a wooden deck, gripping the rungs of a ladder that leads up to a playset. The child is looking upwards, perhaps at someone or something not visible in the photo. He is wearing a plaid shirt, shorts, and sandals, with a backdrop of a wooden privacy fence. The moment captured is tranquil, likely a snapshot of playtime or exploration. Second picture: The image features a young boy sitting at the top of a green plastic slide, his hands gripping the sides as he prepares to slide down. He wears a plaid shirt and shorts, and his expression is one of concentration and cautious excitement. In the background, another child is visible, standing on a wooden deck. The setting suggests a playful and curious atmosphere in a residential backyard, with a wooden fence surrounding the area. — The playground when it was young and so were the children

Things I’ve Enjoyed Recently:

Okay, I’m still reading Babel. I promise that it’s great and I’m enjoying it, but my brain has just not been in shape for reading or doing anything else lately. Pretty confident I’ll be done by the end of the year.
Otherwise, I can’t think of anything. Pretty boring over here. The Orlando Magic have been playing well so that’s been fun. My 9-year-old put his hammer down and went with me to a game last week. We had a nice time.
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